We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
