Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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