What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
