I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
