bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
