I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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