Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
3pm strippers are depressing
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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