I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
