i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
