My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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