Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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