Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
