i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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