So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just googled if crying burns calories
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
