it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
