We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
