Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
