1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
