and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
