If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
