apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
