he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
