She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
