I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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