dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
