the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
