I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Green mimosas i think yes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
