Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
