Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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