Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
