Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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