I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
