I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
