Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
false alarm. still invincible.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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