Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
