New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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