I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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