So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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