My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
