It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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