It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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