I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
