Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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