I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
