No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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