There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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