I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
