It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
