im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
