Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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